Certificate of Achievement - MERIT

This is what I think my Mum is working towards...

After the hoola hoop class my Mum decided that we needed secret training to surprise teacher Lynne in our next and final class. She managed to find a bicycle tyre which she used as our practice hoop. You can't fault her for trying - without my lead she managed to handle the tyre, treats and for the most part me. It didn't take long to work out that every time I jumped through the hoop I got a treat. To stop it getting too boring I started to work on my jump position doing more of a bascule than a flattish jump and getting my back legs neatly together. She in turn started making the jump bigger at the last minute and there is a limit to my cooperation.

Today Thursday we got the iron dragon again and then the mother of the iron dragon. It was pouring with rain and I got a bit confused because I'd tried not to wee for so long on the big dragon and then I didn't know where to do it. Anyway I did it just after we got off the iron dragon but no-one seemed to mind.

It was raining very very hard as we drove to class. Immediately I knew where we were and I scampered up the steps into the hall. Neither Reggie or Ruby was there but there was a very attractive young lady called Patty and we had a bit of a chat.

We were told to be on a different mat away from Bobby and Reggie. My Mum was desperate to do the hoola hoop but instead we were having a sort of test of all the things we had learned. She was not happy about that as we had done it the week before. Anyway there were only four of us and we all did our stuff - sit, down, leave, recall where I got to scamper up and down the hall. We were all marked but we didn't know what our marks were and my Mum being a very competitive person wanted to know what everyone got.

We all passed with merit and got certificates except Bobby who only got a pass.

Then it was over, no hoola hoop so that was a bit of an anti-climax.

I am on my own for a long time at night and forced to amuse myself. I think I am quite inventive which is more than my Mum who always leaves me the Telegraph and even more boring, the travel section. I amuse myself for a bit ripping it into shreds, long strips and then smaller little bits but that gets a bit boring. I have a toy box with all sorts of things but I could really do with some new ones.

I've found a small hole in the doors that lead to the garden with some rather chewable wood. I made a small hole into rather a big one which I was quite proud off but that met with much displeasure from the parents. My Mum attempted to repair the hole and taped it up with duct tape.

After a long snooze I found myself full of energy and thought I'd have a go at the duct tape. It was good fun I thought I was winning but then the duct tape hit back and before I knew it, it had attached itself to my paw. I was quite tired by then and went to sleep again.

In the morning my Dad found the duct tape and took me up to my Mum who grabbed at it and ouch it was painful. They tried all sorts of things but the duct tape resisted.

They gave up and we went for our walk in Bishops Park with the duct tape on. I found lots of really interesting smells and some rogue leaves which I attacked and rounded up.

We saw Digger and I met some new dogs who as usual were not that interested in me.

When we got back my Mum had this determined look and she went for the duct tape. It was so quick I didn't catch on and youch she ripped it right off. Didn't really hurt.

Splash!

After breakfast we went for our usual walk down the muddy path where I am no longer allowed to escape into the Al Pacas field and across the scary stream. Then it's freedom and off I go doing grown up dog stuff. I thought I was one step ahead as one day we went one way so I started going that way but it turned out we were going another way.

We came to a place where there is a special dog door. My Mum lifts this bit of wood and I go through. I was bounding along huge grass nearly bigger than me and suddenly I spied these horses. I made a beeline for them jumping over the grass as fast as I could and then did one huge jump and oh my God landed in the stream. I was completely submerged and I don't like water panic panic. I made it to the bank and my Mum was there to hike me up. Blimey that was a shock.

Horses followed me everywhere. Later my Mum went hunting at the pub (where Robbie lives) but I was in Sam's sleep machine.

When my Mum got back she was so tired that she forgot to close the bathroom door. I snuck in and found some fun things to chew. Then I thought it was time for my nap but I couldn't get out of the bathroom. Luckily I heard my Mum and I wasn't sure whether to let her know I was stuck or take the wrath for having chewed everything - including my favourite, loo paper. Then I took pity on her because she couldn't find me. Luckily I made the right choice because she was more concerned that I'd been trapped in the bathroom than the damage I'd done - until she realised what I'd chewed. By her reaction I'm not sure if it was something she liked or something that was dangerous. But it clearly wasn't good.

Hoola hoops and fud

It was dark as my Mum packed up my bag and bundled me into the sleep machine. It was very wet and we made our way to school. We went to our usual place opposite Ruby and Summer and were next to Bobby who gets special treatment and we always have to stay away from him.

We did easy stuff although I usually just lie down all the time as I seem to get better treats. At least this time my Mum had finally got me some frankfurters but they were much smaller than everyone else's. I was a bit of a star and got a bit over excited. I wasn't allowed to kiss Reggie as much as usual. Reggie came with his Dad who seemed a bit lost.

Things were all going quite predictably when suddenly we were all given hoola hoops. They were all quite large hoops except for one which was given to me. The idea is to jump through them for fud but it's a bit hard for my Mum to handle the hoola hoops, lead, clicker and fud so we got tangled up a bit. I kept forgetting to get my back legs over the hoola hoop because I was trying to get the fud. I think we need more practice.

The great iron dragon

Where was I? Reliving the moment the great iron dragon appeared in front of me and my Mum. Whoosh it came and then it stopped and the doors opened and we stepped a house that had huge doors which shut and then it moved. Fortunately I was in my Mum's jacket as it was all a bit bewildering.

A lot of people looked at me and I found it all a bit scary but also exciting. We stopped at several stations and then we got off and there was a sea of people rushing. We went through the rather scary swishing gates and up some stairs and there was Colette and Chica the cat in a box. Luckily this time I was awake.

We marched on to another even bigger iron dragon, me, Chica, Mum and Colette got on and found a lovely spot. This dragon was much smoother. Chica was allowed out and promptly jumped off the table and onto the floor. I wish I'd been quick enough as I could see lots of crumbs on the floor. When Chica was caught and put back in her box Colette, who likes to eat a lot, got out lots and lots of food and poured herself some wine. She and my Mum had all sorts of fud and I got my usual lunch. The dragon was so smooth that I found myself dropping off.

Then it was off the dragon and we were picked up by Sam who I think was moderately pleased to see me.

Luckily we got home quite quickly as I was dying for a wee.

Tube, train and automobile

This has been an epic week. I have become extremely versatile when it comes to leaf chasing (which makes me very hungry). I am also the same colour as the leaves. We have had lots of leaf walks in Bishops Park where I must admit I have been getting a bit distracted. I think my Mum needs to step up the calibre of treats as when I am chatting or jumping all over a new friend she needs to realise she is not the only one who has an agenda.

She also is in the doghouse for introducing me to Ted. She thought Ted being a Norfolk terrier would naturally want to be friends but he is a grumpy old man and even though I really tried to like him he was just a bit too aggressive. I think he must have some phobia, not enough affection phobia, or more likely too much affection. He is clearly used to getting his own way. I don't think that's the way to be even though I am young and haven't worked it all out yet I think Ted could use a bit of give and take. He rolled me over and my Mum didn't like his tone - she suddenly whisked me up by my lead and I was swinging at the end of it. Boy was I glad to get my feet on the ground.

The next day we left with a real sense of purpose and lots of my toys in a bag. I was being carried and we went at quite a pace until we got to some metal gates that didn't work. I've since found out that my Mum's oyster card needed charging up. Finally we went through the gates and up some stairs and there was a huge scary hole. Then whoosh a mechanical dragon came steaming through.

Oops got to go and play now I need to chase my squeaky slipper...... (to be continued..)

I could kick myself. I was in the sleep machine, so of course went to sleep immediately and when we reached our destination I found out that there was a cat in the car. I'm not sure about these cats except that they all think they are superior. I've met or nearly met Chica before but she just gives me the look. |When I think it's time to give her a lesson she scuttles under something that requires your body to reduce to the width of a pencil, so of course I can't get that small. Anyway there she is spectating. So I tried to get closer and she hissed and was really quite unpleasant.

I did not have much time to dwell on this because it was time for fud and then we were off again to meet Reggie, Lola, Vesper, Ruby, the weird dog that has to sit on a platform and doesn't like other dogs and the one with a funny chew like hair piece on her head.

Brilliant the teacher picked on me and she gives huge bits of frankfurter and cheese as rewards. I was torn between showing how clever I am and being stupid to get more treats.

I made the right decision because when she said "Elf picks it up very quickly.." my Mum looked so proud it was worth it. This latest exercise was a good one to pick up quickly because it was "leave".

In one hand our parent has a boring old bit of dried fud. In the other was a £5 frankfurter. They try and offer us the old fud and when we stop trying to get it they click and give us the good fud - hardly rocket science.

Next we were finally allowed off the lead and had to do recall. My Mum has been trying to do this and I go along with it in a half hearted way. This was different you went when your Mum called and got one treat and then the teacher called and you go to her and get another treat. Hang five.

My Mum quite often is talking when the teacher explains the exercise so when it comes to doing it she doesn't get it. But the teacher's husband has a soft spot for her and he always comes and gives a hand. The other teacher Stella, is rather keen on me so I get extra training which equals extra treats.

Before I get a chance to talk to Reggie, who is a bit of a wuss but I like him, we are off. I have a drink in the bowl which is the size of a swimming pool and outside the next class is waiting. They all go "watch out killer dog approaching" meaning me and it's supposed to be a joke.

Two of the dogs were dressed up in Halloween outfits. One had a skeleton-type coat and one had a quite nice cloak but I'm glad I'm not subject to that.

On the way home we had to go and put a rug on Joey who still tries to ignore me but I like him.

Then we went back to Sam's and I must say he is great fun. Well he is a bit quiet but I can jump all over him and he just hangs out. I jump up and lick him and sometimes he rolls over and we have a bit of a play. I would say he is my first friend.

My Mum expected me to pass out but I kept going and she was the first to give in.

Unlike the other puppy students I have been to the Capital so I am feeling quite worldly. In London I have a large area in the kitchen and just outside there is a garden where all sorts of weird things are going on. One of my favourite things is the snails I chase them and catch them and then disguise the fact that there is one in my mouth.

In the morning My Dad usually gets up first and comes to rescue me from my little cage and night area. I am a true eel having saved up all that energy. He likes to carry me up to the bedroom where my Mum is just waking up and put me on the bed. Within moments I am on her face, licking her ears and not meaning to nip but she is so warm that I forget. Then I go for her hair and wiggle about so she can't catch me.

After breakfast (still not getting toast which I love) and a wild and rampant play, we go to Bishops Park along the river Thames in Fulham. It is absolutely fantastic there are so many dogs and smells and joggers and at the moment all the leaves. I am the same colour as the leaves. There is Digger who is not that interested in me except for seeing how many times he can get me to roll over on the ground. But today I met a lovely young lady just a bit older than me and even more eel like. She is a cocker spaniel and boy can she move. I must say she had the upper hand and was knocking me over and rolling me about like a bowling ball, all I could see was mud, sky, mud, sky, mud, sky and I was getting quite dizzy. Just when I stood up, whoosh she bowled me over again.

Then we met Harry Potter's Mum's dogs they are two Borders but I was still recovering from having spent so much time on the ground.

Yesterday it was sooo windy and rainy that I go put in my dad's jacket so I was the only one that didn't get wet.

They are keen on their socialisation list. In London we can tick things off at great speed, bicycles, scooters, child on scooter, prams, double prams, man with zimmer frame, black man with Walkman, Muslims on bench, recycling lorries, school children, joggers, people playing tennis. I am more keen on my own socialisation list and it's not going as well as I would like: carrots, apples, chicken, yogurt, frankfurters, sausages, cheese. I think they could spend more time expanding my repertoire of food, especially as I am thinking of being a chef when I grow up.

I'm not sure about all this typing, I think I am going to get a ghost writer just like those celebrities do. I am already far too busy taking it all in.

Today I saw:

Al pacas

Indian Runner ducks

geese guinea fowl

chickens

wood louse

wasp

fly

scent of badger

bunnies

spiders

ponies

two dogs Talisker and Oban that are my friends

The small human who is my Mummy talks a lot. At first I thought humans spoke to each other but clearly this is not the case as my Mum often talks to nobody. We have settled into a sort of routine which I am glad to say completely revolves around me. My humans seem very modern, for instance most of my mates get James Well Beloved but I get Barking Heads which is even healthier.

Just when I thought I knew the ropes I got put in the moving sleep machine to arrive at what I can only describe as sensory overload. For some reason I had only met Norfolks and family at that when suddenly there I was in a great hall with OTHER DOGS. They were all bigger than me but I suppose that's how it is going to be. And this is weird, we were not allowed to meet each other we were on our leads trying to make introductions but instead were put on mats and our human parents were given these clicking toys. Suddenly everyone was going sit, sit, sit. At first I thought it was some pagan ritual. They went all round the room with the owners saying sit but they didn't sit they expected US to sit. What is that all about?

Then they picked on Ruby who is a quite nice greyhound with a mottled brown, grey coat. She is quite thin and elegant but rather aloof. I saw hre owner gave her fud and she sat beautifully although rather haughtily I thought.

I decided to sit for the fud but no that wasn't good enough it seems. You have to sit when they say and not before.

The teacher gave a talk about how there were £5 treats (sausages) and £1 treats (cheese) and that for something good we should get a good treat. Everyone else seemed to be getting tons of junk fud sausages, frankfurters and quite big pieces but I just got some things like carrot bits - which, don't get me wrong, I love carrots but they take a bit of time to eat. The labs gobbled everything I don't think they'd do a sit for a tiny weeny bit of carrot.

I sat next to Reggie who is clearly in charge of his owner. I hope to make friends with Reggie and have a bit of a romp but suddenly it was time to pack up and off we went.

In our house I have found a spot that is quite hard to get to behind the sofa. I'm not allowed around here much but if I go under a chair, then squeeze under a couple of table legs there is a very small gap that gets me behind the sofa and what is there...the buried gold, Aladdin's cave a feast for small molars, an unprecedented collection of rubber chickens. Now I never met Pickle but the more I find out about him the more I realise he must have been some cool dude. I reckon he practically needed to catalogue these chickens there are so many and my God he'd had some serious sessions with some that's for sure. There's one that's virtually destroyed all that's left is a carcass no wings, legs, head, not going to even bother going there. But I feel this is my inheritance and I'm going to respect that. Or at least that was the plan until I found the Father Christmas chicken. I think this is a sign because the Christmas chicken still has a SQUEAK and boy does that get a Norfolk terrier hyped up.

I think this is how I got my name

My home is within the much larger human home. There is a plank which I like to hang over with my paws that of course I can climb over if I want. In my home I have the cosiest stuff. I get a hottie before bed and a treat and I sleep with a stuffed reindeer.

On the first night I did jump out and had a good explore as all the doors had been left open. It wasn't as easy to get back though. Fortunately I already have two beds so I just curled up on the one in the main kitchen.

It was lucky I had a good sleep because my first day was action-packed. I tried on a rather dashing red collar that I completely forgot about because it was playtime and there was lots going on. The smaller human took me outside and I was on a lead which was actually quite nice because I didn't have to worry about anything. And oh my God there was so much stuff, all these incredible smells and then there was rumbling, the moving but not moving things which now I know are cars and they take you from one park to another.

We went out and I was busy scrambling about. We drove to big humans job and I was treated like a rock star, lots of cuddles and I kept trying to escape as there were all sorts of things to explore and destroy.

Afterwards we got back in the moving box and went to another home where there were two more humans (my uncle and aunt) who have a big shiny floor and a big garden with lots to explore. There was just so much going on but I just got too tired and had to pass out. I was barely aware of being cuddled by my aunt and uncle. I slept all the way home.

When I woke up for tea I was still tired but had a bit of a romp as there were new things to play with and I tried raw carrot which is quite tricky and yogurt which is yummy.

My Dad (the big human) came home and he was so pleased to see me that I gave him a huge welcome. We had some man time together. At night I heard the sound of barking but it wasn't my Mum. I just hot footed it home, I did not think being incredibly brave would be sensible. Once again I was zonked and my hottie was beckoning.

Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God! What has just happened? One minute I'm watching the clock waiting for my James Well Beloved biscuits after a busy morning waiting for the stoat to appear and annoying my sister, and the next I'm snuggled against a new person (but I seem to remember their smell) and off we go. We are moving but not moving. Whoosh off we go and things are flashing by the window and there seems to be lots to chew. I am in a totally new environment (I am already learning human-speak).

We haven't gone very far and then I am transported to a new piece of grass with some very fine smells and a stick, brilliant. There are some pretty strange noises whoosh and something goes by very quickly to the left and then whoosh something goes by to the right.

Chill I tell myself, don't question it.

Then it's back with the humans and off again, moving but not moving. I'm put in a box and look over but that doesn't last for long then it's back to one of my human's lap. But I'm feeling just too sleepy to stay awake zzzzzzz

We arrive and there is stuff coming from every direction, noises, smells, smells, noises, lots of moving things.

We go into a spot that looks a bit like home with a comfy looking bed and I think the Telegraph, just like home. But there are tons of things grass, not grass, chewy sticks, a little ledge that was hard to get over but I did it by getting my bum on and inching up my legs. I can't remember being so busy and humans that play all the time, talk about sensory overload. I was almost too busy to have my dinner but just didn't eat it all at once.

Then they left and there was no-one but lots of lights and noise. I did a half hearted whimper but to tell the truth I was knackered and that bed was ever so comfy.

The Adventures of Elf - Norfolk Terrier

My name is Elf and I am a Norfolk Terrier. I was born in Suffolk which seems odd but I was very lucky to have my Mum Blossom, my sister who might be called Bonnie and my brother not sure if he has a name.

I was born on July 23rd 2009 and I am the fattest puppy. I am allowed to eat as much as I want and I do. Time doesn't have much meaning. I get up eat, play with my family and then feel so tired I just have to sleep. We live in the kitchen and now we are allowed outside.

Things are about to change I can feel it, but I'll see what happens when it happens.